Showing posts with label Masculine Privilege. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Masculine Privilege. Show all posts
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Cary Tennis Advises a Women in an Abusive Marriage
In his latest column, Cary Tennis advises a woman in an abusive marriage. His advice touches on themes of the history of women's subjugation to men, male privilege, and the connection between fear and anger. It's a candid and fresh perspective on these topics that doesn't rely on Public Service Announcement speak to make a point, nor is his point as one-sided as PSAs.
I read this and, though I think about these issues often, learned something new and was reminded of the sort of nuance that can be lost in considering these clearly-wrong topics. Just because we take a singular stand against domestic violence doesn't mean domestic violence is singular in meaning. Tennis' response reminded me of that today.
I read this and, though I think about these issues often, learned something new and was reminded of the sort of nuance that can be lost in considering these clearly-wrong topics. Just because we take a singular stand against domestic violence doesn't mean domestic violence is singular in meaning. Tennis' response reminded me of that today.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Staring Down the Barrel of Masculine Privilege
The phrase “masculine privilege,” and all the ideas and traditions it suggests, is probably the single most daunting obstacle awaiting any guy tackling feminism for the first time. For any man—be they the open-minded, liberal thinking sort; the close-minded, misogynist variety; or anything between—it’s tough not to take as an insult notions that their biological sex buys them any sort of advantage in our society. It’s easier to just point at a successful woman and give the requisite, “See!?! Clearly, if women can be CEOs of multinational corporations, heads of state, or Justices on the US Supreme Court, then this whole masculine privilege idea is no longer relevant.”
The mistake some guys make is that they confuse a large cultural norm with a critique of their own personal behavior. This confusion tends to occur in a knee-jerk sort of way to guys who’d like to consider themselves (often rightfully so) sensitive and bright. Men that care and respect women don’t like to hear about masculine privilege, at least not in accusatory fashion. The topic is unsettling in ways all discussions of exploitation and unequal privilege are unsettling. Beyond that, though, bright guys often breeze over or outright avoid talking about masculine privilege because of the inescapable levels of introspection involved: you may see something in there that you wished you hadn’t. The fact is, no matter how forward thinking a guy may be, no matter how outspoken or active he is in feminist venues or other such causes, all men benefit from their masculinity. Whether they willingly accept or openly decry these benefits does not change the fact that the benefits exist to begin with.
A year ago, I married this blog’s editor. In the months leading up to our wedding, Marie decided to keep her name (or, rather, she decided not to change her last name to mine). It was a decision she discussed with me; and, as the sensitive, forward thinking guy I believe I am, it was a decision I accepted. So the wedding passes, as do multiple holidays and family events—you know, occasions in which a couple receives only one card or invitation. In nearly all cases, an envelope arrived addressed, annoyingly, to a Mr. and Mrs. Tyler Haney. At first, Marie would only say, “That’s not my name.” But as time passed, and this scenario continued to repeat itself, her annoyance grew. “Mr. and Mrs. Tyler Haney” became more than just a case of misidentification; it became an outright sign of disrespect. Now, we know our friends and family do not hold Marie in such low regard that they enjoy taking jabs at her whenever the holidays roll around. To them, “Mr. and Mrs. Tyler Haney” is just convenient shorthand. (This is patriarchal hegemony at its finest…Patriarchal what-y what?—don’t worry, we’ll discuss those topics and more down the road.) Nonetheless, the pain and annoyance is there regardless of intention. Her name is not Mrs. Tyler Haney: never has been or will be.
It was when these cards began arriving that I truly realized that the use of this traditional name conflation caused in Marie a pain that I could never feel. See, we will never for the life of our marriage receive in the mail an envelope addressed to Ms. and Mr. Marie Chesaniuk. In other words, my name will never be erased or ignored. What’s more, looking back to our pre-marriage months, I never had to deliberate and discuss whether or not I would have to give up my last name. I never had to hope that my future spouse would accept my decision to do so. I never had to constantly explain… fuck it, let’s be real, I never had to justify to more “traditional” folks why keeping my own last name wouldn’t be weird or detrimental to our non-existent children. I didn’t have to go through any of this. And, for the foreseeable future, no guy ever will. This is masculine privilege. And for most guys (and many women, really), sticking with tradition is a whole lot easier than confronting it.
So how does a guy go about facing down masculine privilege? I’m no doctor, but developing a sharper awareness and an explicit recognition of the advantages masculinity provides is good first step. In recognizing and confronting the pain Marie feels as a result of this last name ordeal, I’ve approached an understanding with her that helps us feel less cut-off from one another. That’s a good feeling.
What are some other first steps?
The mistake some guys make is that they confuse a large cultural norm with a critique of their own personal behavior. This confusion tends to occur in a knee-jerk sort of way to guys who’d like to consider themselves (often rightfully so) sensitive and bright. Men that care and respect women don’t like to hear about masculine privilege, at least not in accusatory fashion. The topic is unsettling in ways all discussions of exploitation and unequal privilege are unsettling. Beyond that, though, bright guys often breeze over or outright avoid talking about masculine privilege because of the inescapable levels of introspection involved: you may see something in there that you wished you hadn’t. The fact is, no matter how forward thinking a guy may be, no matter how outspoken or active he is in feminist venues or other such causes, all men benefit from their masculinity. Whether they willingly accept or openly decry these benefits does not change the fact that the benefits exist to begin with.
A year ago, I married this blog’s editor. In the months leading up to our wedding, Marie decided to keep her name (or, rather, she decided not to change her last name to mine). It was a decision she discussed with me; and, as the sensitive, forward thinking guy I believe I am, it was a decision I accepted. So the wedding passes, as do multiple holidays and family events—you know, occasions in which a couple receives only one card or invitation. In nearly all cases, an envelope arrived addressed, annoyingly, to a Mr. and Mrs. Tyler Haney. At first, Marie would only say, “That’s not my name.” But as time passed, and this scenario continued to repeat itself, her annoyance grew. “Mr. and Mrs. Tyler Haney” became more than just a case of misidentification; it became an outright sign of disrespect. Now, we know our friends and family do not hold Marie in such low regard that they enjoy taking jabs at her whenever the holidays roll around. To them, “Mr. and Mrs. Tyler Haney” is just convenient shorthand. (This is patriarchal hegemony at its finest…Patriarchal what-y what?—don’t worry, we’ll discuss those topics and more down the road.) Nonetheless, the pain and annoyance is there regardless of intention. Her name is not Mrs. Tyler Haney: never has been or will be.
It was when these cards began arriving that I truly realized that the use of this traditional name conflation caused in Marie a pain that I could never feel. See, we will never for the life of our marriage receive in the mail an envelope addressed to Ms. and Mr. Marie Chesaniuk. In other words, my name will never be erased or ignored. What’s more, looking back to our pre-marriage months, I never had to deliberate and discuss whether or not I would have to give up my last name. I never had to hope that my future spouse would accept my decision to do so. I never had to constantly explain… fuck it, let’s be real, I never had to justify to more “traditional” folks why keeping my own last name wouldn’t be weird or detrimental to our non-existent children. I didn’t have to go through any of this. And, for the foreseeable future, no guy ever will. This is masculine privilege. And for most guys (and many women, really), sticking with tradition is a whole lot easier than confronting it.
So how does a guy go about facing down masculine privilege? I’m no doctor, but developing a sharper awareness and an explicit recognition of the advantages masculinity provides is good first step. In recognizing and confronting the pain Marie feels as a result of this last name ordeal, I’ve approached an understanding with her that helps us feel less cut-off from one another. That’s a good feeling.
What are some other first steps?
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