We Have to Be Idealists

Cary Tennis Advises a Women in an Abusive Marriage

In his latest column, Cary Tennis advises a woman in an abusive marriage. His advice touches on themes of the history of women's subjugation to men, male privilege, and the connection between fear and anger. It's a candid and fresh perspective on these topics that doesn't rely on Public Service Announcement speak to make a point, nor is his point as one-sided as PSAs.

I read this and, though I think about these issues often, learned something new and was reminded of the sort of nuance that can be lost in considering these clearly-wrong topics. Just because we take a singular stand against domestic violence doesn't mean domestic violence is singular in meaning. Tennis' response reminded me of that today.

Another Awesome Quote on Being an Example

“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

-Marianne Williamson's A Return to Love

PS - Thanks for the correction, A

Best Safeword Ever

To top off our discussion of safewords, we want to know: what's the best safeword you've ever heard?

Other than the old standbys like "safeword" and the stop-light series (i.e., red, yellow, green), give us your Best. Safeword. Ever.

Leave 'em in the comments.

Safewords for Trigger Management and More

Below, Courtny introduced us to safewords and how they are traditionally used in BDSM and sexual situations. Here, I am going to expand the repertoire for safewords beyond their usual scene. Safeword use can be extended to non-sexual situations. Below, I give you the lay of the non-sexual safeword land.

Safewords for Trigger Management

Triggers are things that set off chains of reactions, feelings from, or memories of, often, traumatic or difficult events or experiences.

Trauma Triggers

Safewords can easily be used for managing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or other trauma-related triggers. When a situation, particularly a social situation, starts feeling too much like your traumatic event or if someone makes a triggering remark (I've beared witness to a conversation at another table at a restaurant about how "sexy" rapists are), you can use a safeword to discretely signal to your friends or partner (whoever you choose) that you need to leave (or cope in whatever way you need, but for the purposes of this post and to keep it simple, I'm going to continue to use leaving as the post-trigger action.)

Use the comments section to suggest other applications for safeword use. And remember: they only work if both partners respect their use.

Using a safeword here is more effective than just saying, "Let's go" all of a sudden because the safeword you choose and share with your partner automatically tells your friend why you need to leave and cues the appropriate response on their part so they can be supportive. This way you don't say, "Let's go," and get the response of, "Why? I'm having a good time, aren't you? Why, what happened?" and have to go into an explanation (possibly in public) that you may not want to get into or share with other people in earshot. Doing this makes it so that you can cope on your own time without having to announce your issues to the whole room. This is true of all the non-sexual uses of safewords I'm discussing here.

Drug Triggers

The same use of safewords can be applied to triggers related to drug use. Many people trying to stay away from drugs are triggered not just by the sight of drug use and/or paraphernalia, but sometimes, as is the case with recovering crack addicts, just hearing the word 'crack' can trigger thoughts about drug use and provoke thoughts and behaviors they worked so hard to change. Using a safeword in situations (like going to a party and needing to leave when someone shows up with drugs) makes it so that you can discretely streamline your support system and perhaps arrange to not be alone until you feel calm and stable enough to avoid a potential relapse. (Again, without having to announce your issues to everyone around.)

Would-be Drunk Drivers

I've seen safewords effectively used to prevent drunk party-goers from trying to drive home. The host of the party (who also was the holder of the keys) had a drunk friend start to freak out when he refused to hand him the keys to drive home. Previously, the host had agreed with a sober friend that if this happened (and this drunk friend had a habit of getting wasted and trying to drive home), he would simply say, "Call Matt," so Matt would instantly know what the deal was and that he should intervene and distract the drunk friend until other arrangements could be made to get him home or until he sobered up. (Another great idea that this host came up with was having a Breathalyzer around (thanks to another drunk friend who had been arrested so many times for DUIs that he had to get one) and requiring people to pass the legal blood-alcohol reading in order to safely drive home. This was the most accurate way to gauge whether a person's able to drive and it's impersonal enough and backed by the law for most people not to take it personally.) The only thing worse than sending a drunk friend to drive him- or herself home is a drunk friend who gets all riled up because everyone is in their face about not driving home.

Medical Disorders

Safewords have been used effectively at work for people with seizure disorders. (However, safewords are really only effective for people with seizure disorders who get auras before their seizures.) When you notice your aura you can use a safeword to discretely let a trusted colleague or supervisor know that you need to lay down for a while. This could be a good way to manage a seizure disorder at work (or wherever) without sharing your disorder with the whole office.

Safewords can also be used by people who use wheelchairs who need assistance getting to the bathroom. Perhaps you're disinclined to announce to the person who helps you out with these things that you need to take a piss while in a social situation. In such a case, a safeword could tip off your helper and avoid potential awkwardness or embarrassment.

Anger Management

Psychiatrists have effectively used safewords to tip people with anger management problems off that they are losing control. For one psychiatrist, the word 'cut' was used to signal to their client that s/he has gone over the line and needs to step out of the room and take a few minutes to calm down before re-entering.

Of course the safeword in the above situation was used by a trained professional in a therapeutic situation. It would be an abuse of both the person and the safeword itself to use it to just cut someone off when they're trying to share something unpleasant but not out of line.

Guest Blogger: Safewords: When “No” Means “Yes” and “Banana” Means “Get the Fuck Off Me”

In the glow of the TV, she slides silky black stockings up her legs. He strips off a work shirt and khakis, revealing red tighty-whitey boxers. As they talk about their kids, he pulls on a pair of ass-less chaps, and she takes off her purple bathrobe to reveal a tightly laced black corset. He buckles on spiky wristbands as she pulls on thigh-high black boots. As he zips a black leather hood on, she leans in and says, “The safeword is banana.” “I love you,” he replies tenderly, and she punches him in the face.


Considering that the sequence I described above happened on a prime time cartoon, it’s not going out on a limb to say that safewords have become fairly mainstream.


To clarify for those who've never seen Family Guy or CSI, a safeword is a pre-arranged code word, phrase, or gesture that will allow you and your partners to communicate what you are really feeling without stating it explicitly. They can be useful in many different contexts— when you’re not sure whether a sexy stranger’s ‘no’ really means ‘yes’, if your partner wants to try spanking for the first time, or even manage triggers.


How to Choose a Safeword:


It depends on what you’re doing and what you want to achieve. If something sexy is happening with power dynamics, it’s better to negotiate sooner rather than later. First off, a safeword doesn’t always have to be something silly that will break the mood of whatever you’re doing. Say you and your girlfriend want to wrestle to see who will be on top during a make-out session. Rather than screaming “purple alligator” when she gets you in a headlock, you could use the traffic light system: red for ‘stop everything’ and yellow for ‘ease up’ or ‘stop the action’. The most important thing about choosing your safeword is to make sure that it’s something you’ll remember if you or your partner is freaking out.


When to Use a Safeword:


Tomorrow, Guide Editor Marie Chesaniuk will put up a post about using safewords in non-sexual situations. However, safewords were originally developed by the BDSM community to be used in a variety of sexual situations. Agreeing to use a safeword together, and both respecting that safeword, is an excellent way to build trust--no matter what you're doing. But what’s a good time to use one?


Say you and a hook-up are fooling around. You think your partner wants to say no to you holding them down and having your way with them, but really mean yes. How do you go about making sure that you don’t force your partner into anything they don’t really want to do?

1. If either of you is drunk, use your moral compass and don’t play those games.


2. If you’re both sober(ish) but you still get the feeling that a lot of explicit negotiation will kill the mood, still be sure to establish a safeword. It should be something easy for you both to remember, even if you're scared or nervous. The first and easiest safeword to remember is “safeword” itself.


3. It’s up to each of you to know your own limits and be able to discuss them if necessary. Safewords are also great to use when you’re not sure of your limits ahead of time: use them in the moment when you’re exploring new things if you need to ease up for a bit. Take responsibility for yourself: if you’re getting freaked out, use the safeword.

Once a Safeword Has Been Used (Respecting Safewords):


If either of you uses a safeword, how do you deal with that? Most importantly, do not criticize your partner for using the safeword. Be polite, back off, and ask them what they need from you. Find out why they used the safeword, if you don't know. If it was an ‘ease up’ safeword and you’re not sure what was too intense, ask them. If it was a ‘stop everything’ safeword, stop everything, do a check-in, and ask them what direction they want things to go. This means genuinely asking them what they want, not trying to coerce them into to doing what you want.


Using safewords is a great way to help cut out explicit negotiation if you and your partner find that to be a turn-off. They're also useful for partners who enjoy being playful, pushing each others' limits, and creating power dynamics. Lastly, many of the games that we play in the dating world may involve people, often women, playing coy or hard to get. By establishing a safeword, both you and your partner know exactly where the line is.

Guest Blogger: Safecalls

Trigger Warning


I sat in silence at the LGBTQ Center, hands sweating, and listened to a woman named Tami tell her story of survival. Unfortunately, thanks to the rape culture we live in, these stories are far too common--though both the circumstances and the aftermath of this particular woman's rape are highly unusual. The purpose of this article is not to suggest that rape, like a hurricane, is more likely to affect those who live in disaster-prone communities and don't put up shutters--or to imply that it's your job to prevent someone from raping you. Like a self defense class, this article will give you another tool in your arsenal for protecting yourself by explaining what a safecall is, why safecalls are important for the mainstream dating community, and how safecalls can potentially help you detect red flags when interacting with someone.

Several years ago, a man who identified himself as a Dominant raped a woman who identified as a consensual "slave"; they met at a hotel after several months of online and phone conversation. Rather than enact the Dominant/submissive scene they had planned, this man put something in the woman's drink, moved her to an unknown location, tied her up, and beat her so thoroughly that she became convinced that she was not going to get out of his basement alive. She was able to escape after over 24 hours only because the man passed out from drinking, and she was able to slip out of the restraints because they were slick with her own blood. Despite the trauma, this woman, who calls herself Slave Tami, went on to win the Pantheon of Leather “Community Choice Leather Woman 2009” award for her work founding and maintaining the National Safecall Network, a BDSM community service that puts people in touch with pre-vetted "safecall" volunteers. Tami now speaks around the world promoting the NCSN and healthy relationships within the BDSM community.


Safecalls: A Definition


A safecall is an arrangement that you make to check in with a trustworthy person when you're meeting with an acquaintance or someone new with whom you haven't yet developed trust. Your trustworthy person should know where you're going to be (specific addresses), who you're going to be with (real names), and what time(s) you will be checking in. If you don't check in, they'll assume something has gone wrong and will contact the local authorities. While the concept of safecalling has become popular in the BDSM community, in no small part thanks to the efforts of Slave Tami and community educators, I believe that safecalling is just as important for the LGBTQ and straight dating worlds. Predators do not just target kinky people any more than muggers only pick on old ladies. While kinky people, especially submissives or consensual slaves, may seem like a more vulnerable target due to social stigma or predators’ preconceived notions about ‘natural dominance’ and the proper place of women, predators target people who they think they can get away with raping. The system for safecalling is flawed because the justice system is flawed (thanks to various iterations of classism, racism, sexism, and transphobia, people may not get the help they need from the police)--but right now, it's what we have.


The Silent Alarm


There are several ways that a safecall can be executed. If you want to use a "silent alarm", you can set up a code phrase beforehand that will get your person to contact the authorities. For example, you could agree beforehand that "can you please feed the cat" means "'I'm seriously afraid for my safety" and that "yeah, I picked up your mail" means "all clear". This is the most subtle and least confrontational way to use safecalling. The benefits are that your date doesn't know that the safecall is in place, so zie can't try to circumvent it if zie does turn out to be a predator. However, with a silent alarm, you also lose the element of potential deterrence that a safecall can provide.


Safecall as Deterrence


One way to use safecalling to actively deter predators is simply to tell your date that you have a safecall, and that if you don't take (or make) a phone call at a prescribed time during or after the date, the police will be summoned. Also, make sure to mention that your friend is waiting to hear that you got home safely after you leave the date. While this may seem like the most major buzz kill on earth, it's something that can be explained through email before your date--and anyone who cares more about your personal safety than their own feelings will understand that. This type of safecall is a good litmus test to see whether your date is actively on your side--a considerate (or halfway intelligent) date will remind you to make (or take) your safecalls. It also creates a sense of dual accountability: you both have to make sure someone's phone is charged, make sure you're not too drunk to make the call, and keep track of the time on the date—and you may even bond over the shared task. Lastly, anyone who you don't know very well or trust very much who protests against the idea of you keeping yourself safe is raising a big, shiny red flag.

So how do you implement a safecall in the mainstream dating community? If you have a friend that you feel comfortable asking, you can have them be your safecall. If you have an iPhone or use Facebook, you can use Plerts to let a trusted friend know what you're up to. If you feel comfortable using the National Safecall Network's contacts (entirely grassroots and prescreened only by local BDSM and Sex Ed groups) you can do so. However, there are surprisingly few resources for safecalling: there's a real need for a hotline or text service connected to a database where you can sign up for safecalling services. In the meantime, use your friends, use your family members, use the NSN, and if you can, be a nonjudgmental safecall resource to your friends, too. Making safecalls a regular practice in mainstream dating is another way that we can come together to support each other--and work to expose the small percentage of predators who perpetuate most rapes.

Guest Blogger: In Response to 'Learning to Negotiate'

In my previous post for the Guide, I laid out some basic guidelines for beginning negotiation on a date. A fellow friend, artist, and poet, Darryl Ratcliffe, wrote a response which made me realize that I had left out one of the most important aspects of negotiation: emotional well being.

First, a disclaimer: Darryl and I have been artistically and emotionally dancing (with occasional stumbles) for eight years now. He’s a highly insightful poet, writer, and activist—Guide readers should also check out his powerful piece about living in rape culture.

In his response to my piece, Darryl writes:

“Now that has been said - although it is always important to communicate with our potential sexual partners, it is even more important to communicate with ourselves. How we negotiate a physical interaction is far less important than how we negotiate our own emotions.”

And he’s absolutely right. Dating takes a certain modicum of self-knowledge, and you need to know what your own limits are—and what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for a long term partnership and the hottie you took home is only looking for a one night stand, the only way you’ll know that is to discuss your desires honestly. And if someone is dishonest and ‘plays’ you—well, they’re probably not someone you want to see again anyway. If you don’t think you can handle a hook-up emotionally, then don’t hook up. If you learn it the hard way, then don’t repeat your mistake. The way that you can know whether or not your partner just wants to hook up is by negotiating—and by setting limits as to how physical or emotional you’ll get, depending on what you want.

Negotiation isn’t just a strategy for first dates or hook-ups. It’s a way to facilitate your interactions with romantic partners in a mature, calm way—whether they’re someone you just want to make out with for an evening or they’re your potential life partner. The unspoken script that I spoke about for first dates can also become one in marriages or long term partnerships. Once you fall into a routine with a lover, negotiation can be a way to grow as lovers and try new things. Ultimately, negotiation is a way of creating or re-sparking connections in a consensual, respectful, and joyous way.

Happy to Announce our New Affiliation with XY!

The Guide is topping off this year with some exciting news: much, if not all, of what you see and read here on the blog will be syndicated on XY Online! "What does it all mean?! What is this XY of which you speak?" To answer these burning questions...

In their own words

XY is a website focused on men, masculinities, and gender politics. XY is a space for the exploration of issues of gender and sexuality, the daily issues of men’s and women’s lives, and practical discussion of personal and social change.

XY is:

* A forum for debate and discussion, including commentary on contemporary and emerging issues in gender and sexual politics;
* A resource library or clearinghouse for key reports, manuals, and articles;
* A toolkit for activism, personal transformation and social change.

In my own words, XY is an Australian-based web resource for all things pro-feminist, male, and anti-violent. It offers hundreds of articles on topics like gender and masculinities, class, race and ethnicity, sexuality, health, working with men and boys toward anti-violence education and social causes, and as many more topics as we contributors can think up! (You think I'm using more than a reasonable person's amount of exclamation points? Now you know how excited I am! (Shit, there I go again with the punctuation...))

XY is a digital knowledge bank for how to change the world for the better through feminist ideals of empathy, education, and activism.

XY is a one-stop-shop for action. Ever want to do something about an issue you care about? Ever think to yourself, "I wish I could organize an event or a group successfully and really make a difference"? Well, lucky for all of us action-seekers and change-makers, XY puts at your fingertips its expansive compilation of activist how-to guides.

And, though lower-key than the vast bibliography, one of my favorite parts of XY is the Image Gallery, which features pages of feminist and anti-violent pictures.

Before I go to count down to the new year, I'll end on a note of hope for action. XY is always looking for volunteers like us to contribute to their world-class database. If you want to see what you can do with XY, click here.

Changes we Like to See here at the Guide

By now you may have read Aaron Traister’s piece in Salon, And may your first child be a feminine child. You may have even read this XX piece in response to it. But what I have to say is more personal to this blog than what you’ve read so far.

I would like to take this moment to say that Traister’s piece is an example of the kind of change we’re working toward here at the Guide. Here’s the synopsis of what I saw in that piece:

• A man wrote about noticing the difference in people’s reactions when he announced he was having a baby boy (his first child) as compared with when he announced having a baby girl (his second child).
  
  
• He noted that people kept acting like they pitied him or there was somehow less to look forward to with girls.
  
  
• The pace of the piece was a slow and deliberate; an indication of how the author thought this through. He raised an eyebrow, he didn’t repress or suppress his gut feelings, and he didn’t jump to conclusions, either. There was much to question about this situation. There were benefits of the doubt to give.
  
  
• Here's the change we're working toward at the blog: a man takes notice of these things and has an understanding of what it means to him and the women in his life.
  
  
• It doesn't matter whether or not he identifies as a feminist himself, though this lesson would not be possible without the contributions of feminism.
  
  
• It doesn't have to be a 'women only' issue.
  
  
• It's everyone's issue.
  
  
• He's not entering off-limits territory commenting on this subject.
  
  
• Or stepping on anyone's toes.
  
  
• He's just a dude with awareness of what's going on around him and has something to say about it. And, most importantly, he did say something about it.
  
  

If you wanted an idea of what our goal is here, it is to foster moments like these in the world.

Why I Hate the Jonas Brothers

This is a look inside the experience of a young woman. This is a story about doing what guys do when approaching feminism for the first time—stepping outside your comfort zone—told through my very feminine experience of having a teenage crush. But instead of starting by telling you whom I liked, I’ll start with—

I hate the Jonas Brothers. I also hate the rest of the Disney manufactured teen/tween heartthrobs. Virginity rings? Do they enforce curfews as well? It wasn’t that long ago when I myself was a teenage girl with a throbbing heart, but the big-ticket item that made my idols worth my while was that they scared the crap out of my parents. What’s the point in longing for someone who panders to your parents? who’s sold with a child safety device?

I know much has been said of Gen-Y’s puny need for rebellion, but this takes the cake. I am a Gen-Yer and I find the appeal of such celebrities disturbing. Teenagerdom is one’s movement from child to adult. Thus, a legitimate teen heartthrob is supposed to exist outside the normal purview of a teenage girl. He’s supposed to represent a life apart from the one you have, a more unsheltered adult life. He’s got an undeniable magnetism, some sort of talent (usually something entertaining), and he’s fucking badass. He’s the type of guy that gives your parents full body shivers merely at the thought that their daughter finds him and, more importantly, what he represents, appealing. They raised you ‘better’ than that. They raised you to cross your legs, to say no to drugs, to do well in school and to want nothing more from a boy than to hold his hand. But this ain’t no twelve-year-old boy; this is a motherfucking rock star and he doesn’t hold hands.

Then there’s the obsession. It’s not a teenage crush unless there’s obsession. You start imagining what your life would be like if you actually had access to this person. You start dreaming of a life away from your annoying parents’ house, where no one tells you when to come home and people take you seriously because you’re mature enough to hang out with your crush and his crew. No one in these daydreams asks what a thirteen-year-old girl is doing at this party or on this tour because, on some level, you’re not thirteen anymore. You’re grown up just enough to suit your dreams, and everyone in them seems to know this.

So you get inspired. You take up guitar, singing, acting, fashion, painting (because you know only you can deliver the perfect album cover) because he invokes desire in you, and, often for the first time, a palpable aspiration to be great at something because, if you achieve it, you know great people inevitably brush elbows with one another. And, of course, by elbows I mean tongues and genitalia because rock stars like you aren’t interested in anyone’s elbow.

Crushes fade eventually, but the dream of a life of your own in which you achieve greatness outside your childhood home and without anyone’s permission stays with you. The rush that accompanies your intense desire to accomplish something impressive and fulfilling stays with you. All this was jump-started by your teenage crush because he challenges you to grow as a person, to explore what talents you have that could match or exceed his, to become independent, to leave your parents’ comfort zones in order to explore your own possibilities, which, in your still thirteen-year-old mind, you really believe are infinite.

Later on, when you look back at these crushes and wonder, as an adult, what the appeal was you realize that you’re still challenged by this person. Maybe they made you think about whether, how, and why your attitude might have change toward them when they came out as gay (George Michael and Lance Bass). Maybe they put your patriotism in perspective when they started mouthing off against the country you shared (Johnny Depp). Maybe your old crush, like mine, challenged you to consider that drug addicts and people who suffer from depression and mood disorders (Kurt Cobain) might actually contribute something important to society because the experience of your earliest and most earnest pursuit of personal growth is part of the risk-taking, dynamic individual you’ve become. You’re a person that can now appreciate the safety your parents gave you without throwing anything in their faces. Your parents realize that, despite how scary your growing process was, you are exactly what they raised you to be: a self-sufficient adult. Something not exemplified by a bunch of children who tour with their parents and mislead kids into believing that a career comes with someone to hold your hand (the Jonas Brothers).

Where is the challenge to anyone in the Jonas Brothers? Where is the opportunity to leave your comfort zone and dream of a fantastic grown-up life? There seems to be only a pat on the head and the reassurance that you never have to grow up or take risks, especially those risks that jeopardize other people’s willingness to like you. They teach that likability is one’s most important asset because celebrities like the Jonas Brothers are meant to be liked by everyone. What real teen idols teach you is that not everything is meant to be liked all the time, and that some things are more important in life than pleasing everyone around you.

I didn’t realize I was growing at the time I had my crush; I don’t think a lot of girls do. But I can look back and see how far I’ve come as a result of it. I guess the most surprising thing about stepping out of one’s comfort zone is that sometimes you don’t even know you’ve done it until you realize you’ve outgrown your old perspective. I can articulate this now the same way some of the guys I know can describe coming to feminism. “What’s the big deal,” they say. “I just took a class, just talked to my daughter, just became friends with someone different from me.”

I can tell you, from this side of it: learning is huge.

The Death of Who?

Discussions about the decline (or outright demise) of the male-dominated workplace have been a side effect of the current recession. Just take a look at the July/August 2009 issue of Foreign Policy. In it you’ll find a feature by Reihan Salam titled—cue the orchestra—“The Death of Macho.” Salam, a writer with a penchant for the dramatic, begins with, “The era of male dominance is coming to an end.” Apparently, the recent failures of finance capitalism are only harbingers of something more ominous. Sure, the economy will eventually recover; housing bubbles will once again emerge and grow. But the modern male? He has no such luck:

What will not survive is macho. And the choice men will have to make, whether to accept or fight this new fact of history, will have seismic effects for all of humanity—women as well as men.

If you sift through these grand pronouncements (seriously, where is the line separating ‘grabbing a reader’s attention’ from ‘argument-killing hyperbole’?), Salam indirectly makes a great point about the static nature of masculinity. In the age of late capitalism (translation: the modern, post-Industrial Revolution economy we all know and love), a man’s role in society—what Salam calls “macho”—has not changed much or at all. I’ll spare you the laundry list of examples that prove this point (stuff like men’s roles as primary income earner; men making up the vast majority of power positions, government and corporate; etc.). Suffice it to say, it’s a fact that men have dragged their feet or outright fought to stop efforts towards sexual and racial equality in the workplace, even when it is an ultimate detriment to success.

Contrast this against the fluid nature of feminism. Over the last century or so, one of the most impressive features of feminism has been and continues to be its adaptability. When a newbie glances at the history of Western feminism, the first things they’ll likely notice are terms like ‘first wave,’ ‘second wave,’ and ‘third wave.’ These waves each revolve around different set of concerns (e.g. voting rights, workplace equality, gender identity). Feminism, in other words, evolves; it’s principal concerns shift to match the major issues of the era. Rather than fight change, feminism embraces and thrives on it.

Feminism’s fluidity presents a great lesson to men and masculinity in general. Returning to Salam, he has no problem pinning the current economic crisis on men and their “macho” ways. But rather than announce that these men are now in their “death throes,” I’d rather ask the old guard to take a look at feminism, and not just its messages but its method. “Macho” does not have to die. Men can still be men. To invoke the cliché, “macho” men just need to evolve. As feminism proves, especially in comparison to the masculine ways that killed the economy, this sort evolution is not only realistic and possible in theory; it is vital and effective in practice.

Switching gears for a second, I want to point out that while there’s a lot of truth in Salam’s article, his doomsday scenario for men drowns out the very important fact that men and women are already working across job sectors in more equal ways. Across industries (even the “macho” world of finance capitalism) women hold positions of all levels. All Salam’s article, as well as a companion piece by Valerie Hudson (which pretty much only buttresses Salam’s main points), does is state the obvious: that women’s influence in the workplace is growing in size and scope.

This workplace co-existence, and the meritocracy that is emerging, highlights for me one of the key emotions involved in any sort of male approach to feminism: empathy. Things—emotions, facts, food, whatever—are much easier to appreciate and understand not when they are simply pointed out to you but, rather, when they are experienced. Empathy provides the most effective bridge to understanding for those moments when we cannot experience something directly. It is easier for guys to warm up to and engage with feminism once they can identify something that allows them to relate to the struggles women face. The workplace is a common ground we both share. We share the same offices, the same positions; we share the same nagging bosses and the same paths of advancement.

In the American workplace today, men must understand that their sex does not guarantee them the same lifetime career security it may once have just as women must accept the fruits of the labor of nearly a century of feminists. Granted, the sexual politics of the American economy are still not completely level for women. Still, the possibilities, realities and responsibilities of high-level positions do exist for and are already being met by talented women across America. The expectations for modern women extend beyond merely getting the job and into how far they take the job. On-the-job expectations, in other words, are as equal as they’ve ever been; and they represent a shared experience that is so easy to overlook yet, at the moment, is so helpful. By recognizing that there is a common ground on which we both deal with the same shit, guys gain a degree of understanding with women and the struggles they face that may have otherwise remained invisible.